The Guilty Orgasm: One Guy's Perspective On Guygasms

Read this today and I have to say, it was very eye opening.

"As a guy, my whole job during sex is not to come. Because once I blow my load, the sex is pretty much over. Oh, we can do, you know, some other stuff, but then it's that embarrassing kind of sex where one person is just doing it to make the other person feel happy.

...Seriously, would you look at all the tangled snarls of fucked-upness buried in that paragraph? That whole statement is like a Micmac Indian burial ground full of decaying pets, about to turn rabid and bite your face off.

But man, it's the way I feel when I fuck.

There's a lot of talk about feminism being a universal solution, because it's not just women that this male-dominated society hurts: it's guys, too. We eat our fucking emotions until our heart explodes on us. We're forced to act as caretakers, providers, even if we're really not suited for that. And, as IPCookiemonster's fucking awesome essay just opened up for me, this concept of maleness even poisons my bedroom.

And once I start unpacking how I feel in that most vulnerable of moments, naked and nothing but pleasure in front of sometimes a mostly-stranger, there's a lot of weird shit bound up in how I withhold my orgasm during sex. Because if I'm not really thinking about how I approach it, I treat sex like it's my job to give my partner about two or three hundred orgasms - you know, the usual - and then call a halt to the proceedings by squirting everywhere and collapsing. If she's having fun, I am, even if I'm not.

"It does amuse the shit out of me how guys often say, 'I'm going to cum!' like they're very surprised or expect this to require some sort of preparation."

See, and the reason I do that is because it's like the conductor warning you this is the last stop: I know that there will be zero fun for you after I orgasm, so you'd better hurry up and get the last of those rocks off now, baby, because hey, once I'm done, we're done. LAST CALL FOR SEXOHOL.

Which is - let's be honest - fucking stupid.

Of course I can continue to pleasure my partner after I'm done, and it's not like I haven't. But there's this weird pressure around me as a guy who tries to be Good In Bed that a) my goal is to perform for her entertainment as long as I possibly can, and b) the only worthwhile thing about me is that cock, and if it's not erect, I'm kind of useless.

Again. Micmac stupidity. But the more I unpeel this particular idea, the more I think of an issue that my wife was having: she was telling me that the sex was taking too long. Part of that is that I'm getting older, and take longer to climax. But that was supposed to be a good thing.

No; as it turns out, after about fifteen minutes of the usual intense shenanigans, she was getting worn out. I could continue to make her come, but it wasn't as enjoyable, and she felt as though I was doing it for mostly me. So she asked me to cut down.

And that's been hard. Really hard. Because I actually had a riotously negative reaction to that - I mean, if I was making her come a lot, wasn't that supposed to be satisfying for her? That was like telling me my job at McDonald's wasn't to flip burgers. How the hell did that work? And then, afterwards, we'd have this really crazy white-hot sex where I'd just ride to the tip of my excitement and back, eight minutes of fucknectar generation where our skin seemed to ignite...

...and I'd feel guilty. Because all I'd done was just climb on top, fuck hard, and get off. There was no technique, no skill, no withholding, just me getting my rocks off while she got hers off.

I kept asking: Was that good? And she'd tell me yes, it was just the kind of sex she wanted, and the fucked up thing was that I kept probing her on that, because clearly she was lying, or misguided, or just not understanding what she liked.

Because for me to just have an orgasm without performance was weird.

I didn't set out to do this, either. My Dad never sat down with me and said, "Son, you'd better fuck her for at least thirty minutes or you're one of Those Guys who poll poorly on Cosmo." There was no broadcast on NBC when I was in seventh grade telling me the appropriate length. But there's a thousand songs about lasting all night, and the usual jokes at the expense of premature ejaculators (because hey, after they come, what's left, amiright?) and all those funny movies where the guy has to impress the girl because it's a real privilege to get access behind those moistened panties, you'd better bring your "A" game.

And slowly, the goal moved from "Did I satisfy her?" to "Did I feel like I satisfied her?" - which isn't the same. On the one level, I was banging the hell out of my wife in pure triumph, licking her to seven or eight mind-blowing orgasms before hopping on and mastering her with my Novocaine-numb cock....

...yet that often wasn't as hot as, yes, a ten-minute quickie. But I disdained the quickie. That wasn't proper. There was no chance for Ferrett, captain of Cumdor, to show his quality.

"Once we've both cum 4 or 5 times, it seems like pretty awesome sex to me, even if it only takes 10 minutes. I refuse to let culture dictate to me what good sex is."

That's something I need to remember. I can have fun in the bedroom, too. And I liken withholding my orgasm to being on a freeway; I can get off at the first exit, no problem. But if I don't get off right away, sometimes the next exit isn't for thirty miles. There's a lot of times I wanted to come, and it would have been really much better for me to have come right off, as opposed to feverishly trying to recapture the spontaneity of that orgasm forty minutes later, wringing it out of a dead dick.

But I didn't. I held off. Because I wanted to do the right thing.

And I think the question is, "What is the right thing?" I have, as a rule, taken the total exhaustion of my partners as an unqualified Good Thing; if they can barely move, their muscles brimming with lactic acids, then I'd Done My Job. But maybe running a fuck-marathon wasn't what they wanted that day.

Maybe it would have been better for both of us if I'd just gotten off right when I wanted, and was willing to play more afterwards if she wasn't done.

I dunno. I'm pretty open sexually, and still there's a lot of weird shame tangled around the roots of my sex drive. I've written before about how hard it is for me to just sit back and be pleasured, because somewhere along the line it's become ingrained that I'm the tool to pleasure, not a person who can be pleasured. I get embarrassed by really good dick-sucking, because what if I cum in her mouth before I fuck her and oh God she's looking at me and I'm not doing anything except squirming, this must be so disappointing (except, you know, how I love to eat pussy so much and obviously that's a turnon when I pleasure her, but it can't be the same in reverse).

There's a weird in-between place. I never want to be that purely selfish guy who just wants to get his dick sucked and pass out, never eats pussy, never really cares about the foreplay. But I think, ironically, by going to the other extreme I've actually blunted my ability to be the best lover I can be, because there's this layer of artificial MUST BE MAN-GOD I've built in when sometimes, it's just okay for me to get overexcited and show her just how fucking aroused she made me.

And in a way, it's kind of exciting to have that as a guilt-free option in the bedroom. I'm freshly 44, and still learning awesomely interesting things about the way I fuck. It's like there are endless worlds to explore in sexuality, a ton of hidden assumptions to be pulled aside to reveal a vastly much more interesting universe squirming and moaning underneath. It means my sex may be better. It means I'll be taking more risks.

And even in all of that, there's a part of me that says, YES, AND YOU MIGHT BE BETTER IN BED. Which is society, telling me that as a guy, it's My Job to be the best. Is that other men? I don't know, I don't sleep with other guys, so my view on how other men act in the sack is thoroughly colored by the filter of however the girl in question felt about that man. Do a lot of guys feel that pressure, or is it just me?

(And I think a lot of BDSM is actually, in many ways, a cry for help from guys like me. I think, "All right, you're gonna suck my dick now" in the Master's voice is really just a sideways excuse for men to go, "...all right. I can be pleasured now. This is a societally acceptable form for all the attention to be on me.")

No matter. Time to ignore that voice, wherever it may emanate from. And do some work for me.

– TheFerrett"

Relationships: Why it goes wrong.

I read this story somewhere and I thought that it was amazing and so true.
Seeing as I have been in something very similar I thought I'd share it with you.




“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. If you are not in a relationship now, remember this for the second (or third) time around. It's never too late.

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. ?

Sex: Accents

I am one of these people that finds accents have a impact on emotions.

I can't quite explain it but some accents sound sexy and other sound violent.

If you sit there and think about having sex with someone who has the same accent as you then it doesn't really seem to stand out and effect much, but if you now think of having sex with someone who spoke a different language I bet 90% of you have thought of some sexy Guy/Girl with a accent that you find sexy.

Personally I have thought about having sex with people with accents and a few stand out as being sexy.
The only problem I have with it is if its a different language I can't understand it :/

I guess it also comes down to the voice.

For me a woman with a certain voice will turn me on simply by speaking haha.

We all know that soft, soothing, sexy, breathless voice that you stereotypically think of when you think Sex chat line, but others do it for me too.

Something like Kathleen Turner is sexy simply because I link it with teasing and tension building. Maybe its due to all the films that tend to choose actress's with voices like that.

However the high pitched voice only really suits younger people. The whole cheeky school girl like voice.

Seduction

Was doing some reading of my old notes and thought this was quite interesting...

Overt Seduction: Pouting lips and puppy dog eyes, soft kisses and touches around the neck, chest and groin area, whispering sweetly in his ear how much she wants him and how she knows he wants her too.

Power Seduction: The partner simply pulls her man away from whatever he is doing and starts to undress him, while pushing him towards the nearest comfortable area for lovemaking. This would be followed by her climbing on top and telling him what she is going to do to him. She would, of course, tolerate no arguments!

Covert Seduction: Using false pretenses to lure her partner into a lovemaking situation. Ideas for this seduction include this one:

"Go into your backyard on a chilly fall day and begin raking the leaves in a pile. Summon your mate to hold the bag open and then tell him to close his eyes. Then start putting articles of clothing in the bag and lay down in the leaves after you are naked. When you are in a seductive position, tell him to open his eyes for a big surprise."

Damsel In Distress Seduction: Call your mate into the bedroom to help you with something urgent. Once he has "rescued" you, reward him handsomely for his brave gallantry.

Classic Seduction: The Sensual Massage. The first step in giving a seductive massage is to identify the pleasure points on your partner's body. For example, the back of the neck, lower back and feet are the main pleasure points. The pleasure points are, however, different for everybody and the time spent researching what gives your partner maximum pleasure, is time that will be well rewarded later on.

A successful seduction entails one partner taking charge of the situation and using any means necessary to lure, not force, her man away from what he is doing, and into the bedroom.

How I see sex

You see, to me sex isn't one of those things that should be all hyped up about love and relationships.

It may sound weird but I see it as something you just do.

Maybe its to make the other person feel good about them self, maybe its just because you both have sexual feelings towards one another, but in my eyes it doesn't mean a relationship is needed.

Sex isn't what defines the relationship, the feelings you have for someone is.

For example:

Say you felt like you could live with that person for the rest of your life and you know you would be happy with them by your side, grow old with kids etc...

That to me is a relationship.

Maybe its just me but I see a strong black line between love and lust..

In my eyes sex is a lust thing. Something you crave and something you could "want" with many people.

Where as to have love for someone is to want a relationship where you stay with them forever and that you don't crave its just there.

Its hard for me to explain but basically I don't feel like sex is such a big thing and that people confuse it as a thing of love when its actually lust.

Now to have feelings of lust for someone else doesn't mean your relationship is doomed to fail.. nor does it mean you love someone else.. it simply means that you are human and you have thought about "what if" but because you "LOVE" the person your with you choose to express your thoughts with them and spend your whole life being honest with them about everything.